A Better Me

*Pixabay

Because of other things that were going on in my life, I did not get this post out last week for Wicked Wednesday. But what a great week to share this instead!

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I am a better me today, at this moment, because of things I have been through, things I have learned, people that have been, and are, in my life. For the family, friends, acquaintances, people I know and don’t know, I am a better me for all these things.  

But especially for the man that has been by my side through the mess that is me. Every single bit in the last few years. He has supported me, boosted me up, argued with me and pushed me forward when needed. He has been my stronghold through it all. My man has been there loving me and guiding me through the hard times and the good times. He has not given up on me when I didn’t understand why. He is my rock and so much more than I could ever explain. Gave me a place to run to, a person to talk to and confide in and a reason to keep on going when I wanted to give up. He is so much to me and more.

@TheGentlemansR1 has been non-wavering and loving me through it all. I love him for everything he is and always has been.

He knows when I have had my times of internal battles. When my inner voice has told me all the things to make me stressed and anxious; where I am almost at the breaking point. He has pulled me up when I thought I couldn’t be. He has always pushed me to do what I needed to do in getting help in counseling and anything else that would help me get through it all. Such as, self-care in exercise, massages, meditation, doctor, whatever I might possibly need, he urged me on.

I always thought I was a strong person.  He and others say I am, more than I know.  But, I honestly have not felt I am, especially while going through so much in the last couple of years. A lot of things and people have affected me, how I am and how I see myself. I have acted and reacted in the wrong way.

Once I had given up trying to make things right, I gave up believing it could change. So I did not have boundaries, nor did I respect myself enough to change things when I knew they were wrong. I feel I have been judged, misunderstood and criticized by so many I care about. It is my belief that I have allowed myself to lose the person I am by trying to please others and take care of others first. I believe because of this, others do not understand why I am making myself a priority right now.  To find the me I am supposed to be so that they can respect the person I am. No, they may not understand, nor agree with the person I am. Just as long as they realize I am still me, yet a better version of me.  

I believe no one should judge another human being.  No one really knows what that person is or has gone through.  If you are going to judge someone, just realize you, at some point in your life, will be judged too. If you do not understand a person and that person’s ways, get to know them, talk to them, so that you can understand, at least a little bit. 

Do not criticize a person.  They may be different than you. Do different things than you. Have a different way of looking at things and the world than you. This does not make them wrong.  It does not make either one of you wrong. Just different. Is that so difficult? If we were all the same, did the same things, thought the same way, acted the same way, looked the same way, what a boring world this would be.  This statement is so true. Someone very wise that loves me has said this more than once.

As always, I still want everyone around me happy.  Happy in me and happy in their own lives.  I feel there is so much hate and unhappiness in this world.  I know you can’t be happy all the time.  But looking at the positive side of things as much as possible does help in having better days, better relationships and better moods.  Yes, some days are more difficult than others to find that positive outlook. No matter what, you are alive and able to change things if you set your mind to it. 

I have gone a bit off the subject.  When I touch on something I feel strongly about, that is what I do.  And I seem to be able to write things down to make a point much better than saying them.  

I just want to thank all those that support me, and especially the man that is always by my side as my support, friend, guide, protector, and love.  

I have a way to go still but I know I am on the right track.

The Fear Is Real

fullsizeoutput_4bf7*Pic from Pixabay

This is not a sexy wicked story of fear.  This is real fear that is my truth to share today.  I have several fears I deal with daily.  Do you?

Mine from the past and present…Fear of disapproval, fear of letting people I love down and those around me down, fear of shame taking over, fear of losing those I love, fear of not being able to just be me and fear of losing myself again.

As a child I always had the fear of those around me, especially my parents, disapproving in me and the things I did.  Fear of not being good enough in the things  I did.  Or even just good enough for others to be around and love me.  I wanted to always make others happy and proud of me.  I avoided conflict as best I could and always was the one to try to make things better because of it.  I feared if I didn’t then I would lose the love and understanding of those around me that I loved, both family and friends.  I would feel shame if I did something wrong or what I saw as being wrong in other’s eyes.  Feeling this way was because of clues I would believe were there, such as shaking of the head, eyes looking into mine as if I was supposedly hiding something they had to find, a sigh or disappointing remark and then turning away;  so many ways for a then child up to young adult to see and take in a negative way.

Because of these things I was in constant fear of not doing things right.  Of not being good enough for anyone or for anything.  Fear that I would never find the right fit for a career, life, love, friendship, basically anything.

I felt that I wasn’t good enough in school, even though I graduated from both high school and college.   I got lower grades in both and ended up with a lower average, but still graduated and received my degree.  Proving right there I accomplished something, but in my mind it wasn’t good enough.  I know now that is wrong, but I still believed it.

Once I received my degree I started my career.  I was really good at it, to begin with, but I think with my self-doubt and feelings of not good enough, I self sabotaged myself.  Now I could be wrong in this self-analysis, but every time I did great at a job, I would end up not doing well and either looking for something new or being released from said job.

I know at the time I was married I thought and believed it was the one and only love I would need, throughout life.  Unfortunately circumstances changed and changed us to the point I felt I had lost and could not trust the relationship anymore because I had fought for it for so long and it never got better.  It was the one thing I did not give up on, for years, until I finally had to, for my own well being unfortunately.

Where friendships are concerned, I kept a safe distance from anyone.  I would get close and think I could trust and then something would happen to change the relationship or we just drifted apart.  I don’t know if this is once again self sabotage happening in these circumstances, but it happened, every time.  I have never had a really close friendship with anyone, and I think it was because in the past the person I trusted or got close to either stabbed me in the back or went away.  I felt I could never trust enough to hold on to someone who mattered that much to me.

I am not saying this for pity or for you to be sad for me.  It’s just a fact that I am coming to accept and understand and felt I should share.

I have friends now I consider close, but I am always on edge or on the lookout for the relationship to fail because of the past and that is not fair to those that are my friends. Not at all, and I know this.

So, even now, I have a hard time not being afraid that all these things will continue to be the same, happen in the same way as the past.  But I have to live my life the best way I can and I have to trust that things happen for a reason, people are in my life (or out of my life) for a reason and I am learning every day because of it.

The biggest fear I have over all is losing myself in all this.  I have before and I will not, repeat, will not, lose myself again.  I am finding myself again and learning to love the person I am, no matter what some might say, no matter how some might not approve.  I am me and I am accepting that and those around me need to, or unfortunately they need to move on.  I am working through my fears and feel confidant that one day I will be able to walk through them all, no matter how conflicted I am to do so.  I am surrounding myself with support and love.  Those that accept me for who I am now.

We all change, and hopefully for the better, because of ourselves and those around us.

 

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