Thoughts and Inner Voice
I sit here on my own, having gone through so many thoughts and emotions. All I am sharing right now are my thoughts and feelings, no one else’s. They may be right, they may be wrong, but this is how I see things at this time.
They say that your inner voice is the voice that brings you down and lies to you. Thing is, tonight, even though it had me through every emotion imaginable, it was telling me some pretty powerful stuff!
Now normally this isn’t the case. It is actually the lying, don’t-listen-to-voice that they (meaning counselors or others that have gone through the same thing) say to ignore at the norm of it all, especially during my anxious, not trusting myself emotional times. But tonight, it was actually making me think. Not only the emotional anxious stuff of norm, but the “this is why I am who I am and why I am” stuff.
I have gone through a lot in the last couple of years. I have been through some major hard times and worked my way out of the muck into the “I feel like I can conquer the world” feelings. It has taken me many battles internally and getting to know myself and those around me. It has taken me losing myself, working with myself, a counselor, family and friends, to finally get to a point I feel like myself again more than I have in such a long time!
Yes, I am realizing I am not sharing enough still and communicating as much as I should, but I am so much more there than I have been in such a very long time. It is amazing the changes that have occurred in me over the last couple of years.
And I know for a fact I would not be there if not only for my counselor, family, friends and special people that support me, as well as my blog.
I have realized that I can’t avoid conflict, not talking to those I love, nor building walls to protect the ones I love and myself. I have to communicate in the things I want to do and feel so that others understand me and what I am going through! So they don’t feel left out in the cold with what is going on with me and know that I love them and respect them enough to tell them what is happening with me. Even if it is not something they want to know or feel.
Not only have I gone through my own inner critic and self-judgment. I have had to deal with others judging me and trying to take my self-worth and privacy away. All of this just added to all I was going through and I am hoping it has made me that much stronger in the long run.
Judgement and Privacy
As I have gone through all I shared above, I have dealt with a lot of judgement from family, friends and those I don’t even know or know well. I have said it before and I will say it again… What right do you have to judge me? Do you live my life? Have you been in my shoes so know what I am going through? Do you understand and know my mind, body, heart and soul enough to judge what I say, do, feel and how I act?
I don’t think so. Actually, I know not! Just as I do not know what you are going through, what you have been through, how you feel and what you want out of life or your surroundings. I may know you to a point if you are close to me, but if you do not share with me on a deeper level I will not know more. I do not judge others. If I feel I start to or realize I am in some way, I stop myself. We are not given that right. A person lives the way they live either by choice, by only knowing that way or because that is the only way they believe they can live.
If they find joy and happiness in the way they live, who are we to tell them it is wrong. If they are not happy, we have to hope in some way they will find a better way of life so they can be. But we cannot stand or sit there with our noses looking down on them, judging them because it is not our way, or what we believe.
We also don’t have the right to wiggle our way into someone’s life and ruin their security and happiness because of this either. A person’s privacy is their right. People need to stop thinking just because someone is on social media, blogs or podcasts that it means they are free access for all. NO! A person’s privacy is so important. No one should be able to take it away. NO ONE!
There are those out there that have dealt with threats, “catfish” (those that make up fake accounts just to get to people) and anonymous messages of either acting like a friend or person that cares while all the while making underlying threats and manipulating comments. There are even those that have had to close accounts and restart because of these people. It’s just wrong!!
I myself have had to change things for some of these very reasons as well. I don’t understand the mind set and satisfaction people like this get out of doing these things to other people. It is baffling!
I am one of those people who feel everything and everyone around them. I feel their emotions, understand their thoughts and feelings sometimes better than they do. Yet, I have been the one blocking anything and everything away from me so that I could deal with me and my own worries and problems. So unlike me, but that is what I had to do in the last few years.
I ramble on and don’t make much since at this point possibly. But, I just want to say, if you are going through the self mind play we all go through so many times in our life, some more than others, you are not alone in this. There are others here and in other forms of social media that have been there too.
I have had those strong anxiety attacks where you don’t think you will catch your breath before passing out, or be able to talk to anyone honestly again. I am one of those bloggers that is willing to share my sexy adventures and stories of erotic fantasy, yet want to also have my private life stay that way, private. It’s all a catch 22, as many say. Yet we continue on and hope that all will be okay and we made a difference in someone’s life. If not someone else’s, at least in our own life.