*Pic from Pixabay
This is not a sexy wicked story of fear. This is real fear that is my truth to share today. I have several fears I deal with daily. Do you?
Mine from the past and present…Fear of disapproval, fear of letting people I love down and those around me down, fear of shame taking over, fear of losing those I love, fear of not being able to just be me and fear of losing myself again.
As a child I always had the fear of those around me, especially my parents, disapproving in me and the things I did. Fear of not being good enough in the things I did. Or even just good enough for others to be around and love me. I wanted to always make others happy and proud of me. I avoided conflict as best I could and always was the one to try to make things better because of it. I feared if I didn’t then I would lose the love and understanding of those around me that I loved, both family and friends. I would feel shame if I did something wrong or what I saw as being wrong in other’s eyes. Feeling this way was because of clues I would believe were there, such as shaking of the head, eyes looking into mine as if I was supposedly hiding something they had to find, a sigh or disappointing remark and then turning away; so many ways for a then child up to young adult to see and take in a negative way.
Because of these things I was in constant fear of not doing things right. Of not being good enough for anyone or for anything. Fear that I would never find the right fit for a career, life, love, friendship, basically anything.
I felt that I wasn’t good enough in school, even though I graduated from both high school and college. I got lower grades in both and ended up with a lower average, but still graduated and received my degree. Proving right there I accomplished something, but in my mind it wasn’t good enough. I know now that is wrong, but I still believed it.
Once I received my degree I started my career. I was really good at it, to begin with, but I think with my self-doubt and feelings of not good enough, I self sabotaged myself. Now I could be wrong in this self-analysis, but every time I did great at a job, I would end up not doing well and either looking for something new or being released from said job.
I know at the time I was married I thought and believed it was the one and only love I would need, throughout life. Unfortunately circumstances changed and changed us to the point I felt I had lost and could not trust the relationship anymore because I had fought for it for so long and it never got better. It was the one thing I did not give up on, for years, until I finally had to, for my own well being unfortunately.
Where friendships are concerned, I kept a safe distance from anyone. I would get close and think I could trust and then something would happen to change the relationship or we just drifted apart. I don’t know if this is once again self sabotage happening in these circumstances, but it happened, every time. I have never had a really close friendship with anyone, and I think it was because in the past the person I trusted or got close to either stabbed me in the back or went away. I felt I could never trust enough to hold on to someone who mattered that much to me.
I am not saying this for pity or for you to be sad for me. It’s just a fact that I am coming to accept and understand and felt I should share.
I have friends now I consider close, but I am always on edge or on the lookout for the relationship to fail because of the past and that is not fair to those that are my friends. Not at all, and I know this.
So, even now, I have a hard time not being afraid that all these things will continue to be the same, happen in the same way as the past. But I have to live my life the best way I can and I have to trust that things happen for a reason, people are in my life (or out of my life) for a reason and I am learning every day because of it.
The biggest fear I have over all is losing myself in all this. I have before and I will not, repeat, will not, lose myself again. I am finding myself again and learning to love the person I am, no matter what some might say, no matter how some might not approve. I am me and I am accepting that and those around me need to, or unfortunately they need to move on. I am working through my fears and feel confidant that one day I will be able to walk through them all, no matter how conflicted I am to do so. I am surrounding myself with support and love. Those that accept me for who I am now.
We all change, and hopefully for the better, because of ourselves and those around us.