Before and After….
There are so many before and afters I could share. From before and after my first boyfriend, to before and after getting married, to before and after my children being born, etc…. sooo many to choose from.
Now that my marriage is ending there is a new before and after I am working on. The before and after of me.
Before, I was this individual that was co-dependent on a person, sensitive to confrontation, unsure of myself and feeling I wasn’t good enough so deserved what I got. I felt it was my place to take care of everything in my life and family or no one else would do it. I took on all responsibility and should have given some of the duties out to my partner, but felt he wasn’t able many times to do so. I didn’t want to argue or make waves so tried to make everyone happy and comfortable. I became unsure of my worth and ability to handle things the right way. I was not confident in me. Therefore I began to feel I was not good enough for anything more than what I got or how I lived. Getting through should be enough as long as those around me were content and taken care of. As long as I was trying to fix things and make sure all was okay, I was doing what I was supposed to. Right?
Boy did I find that was wrong. I was so wrong! One person cannot do everything and at some point that person will break or be unable to bother with what they should be able to do on a regular basis.
Once I realized I couldn’t take on all the responsibility; once I realized I couldn’t fix everything, especially people, I got to the point where I was done and knew I needed help.
It took a while but I finally sought out and developed a great support system in friends, family and counseling. I was determined to get myself and my life straight.
After, I committed to making myself right and in finding ways to strengthen myself. Not only in the strength God gives me in my daily happenings and faith, but in finding those that have either been through what I am going through or are in the process as well. Finding those I can talk to, like my counselor, my Daddy (my wonderful man and Dom) and those that support me because they love me and have faith in me. And I have developed some amazing friendships through all this that get me through daily.
My finding and delving into Kink has had a big part of finding me too and I will not discount this at all. I suppressed that part of me for a very long time but Daddy has helped me find a part of me that was hiding for way too long and has been just waiting for the right partner and time to come out.
Not only all the above, but I have found this avenue here on my blog. I can share and talk with others that understand and can share their stories as well. We are not alone, none of us. There are those out there that are going through, or have gone through, the same or similar things. This is a wonderful support system right here and I am so happy I found it. I don’t believe I have been through anything serious, in comparison to so many here, but we all struggle at some point. We all have different levels of what we have been through. Everyone is different and therefore will go through, even if similar, varying levels of what ever it might be we go through.
I have found that not only do I have support here but I have found my absolute love for writing and more. I am a creative person and here I can give my creativity wings. Whether it be stories, short stories, flash stories or poems. I have also found my love for drawing, painting and music again.
So, this after part of me, she is ongoing and I can’t wait to see what this part of me grows into and out of. There are so many avenues opening up to me that I never thought I would see or have access to and I am amazed every day how blessed I am.
I know I still have a long way to go so I will continue on my path of learning and growing and hope you all will stay with me and enjoy, comment and like my blog as I go forward. You all mean so much to me!
*Pic from Pixabay