Okay…so I am a bit anxious at the moment. Thoughts going through my head, unsupported/unsubstantial doubts and fears and internal fighting within myself. I don’t know what brought it on this time, but here it is.
I am trying so hard to learn to not give in to my shame and guilt that my mind likes to take me to for protection. I am trying really hard to face this and work toward and through it. It is not easy and I keep falling back to the norm. It seems I am fighting with myself all the time.
I am not trusting in myself to “speak my truth” enough. I am getting there, I know I am, but I have a long way to go still. It’s frustrating knowing I am feeling more and more like I can and then fall back to how I always am in giving in to my fears and doubts. Avoiding conflict and hurt when I need to be facing it head on so I can move on with my life. I think I am getting better, than right down that hole I go again!
What is wrong with me?!?! Ugh!
I have the most loving man that supports me, loves me, protects me and guides me. I know I frustrate him at times, but he is my angel. Yet I am stuck in my past and so damn scared to move, to cause havoc/chaos/conflict/hurt. What is that?!?
I have help through a counselor every week and have the support and learning of myself and ways to deal with things by talking and understanding what I am dealing with and moving forward in so many ways.
Sometimes I just want to run away from everything and everyone. I know that is silly and not logical. It will all catch up to me, of course, and then I am dealing with it all over again. So, that won’t work.
I have so much ingrained in me that I have done for so long, especially the last 30 years or more, that just realizing this and trying to “fix” myself is damn hard! I want it to happen immediately. No waiting, no working through things…be done now!!
I want to be able to enjoy myself and the decisions I make to make me happy. I want to not always worry about how I will affect others and make them feel. I want to be happy and make others happy, yes, but I also want my making others happy as being part of my happy…does that make sense?
I have worked so hard on making those around me happy (yes, it does make me happy that they are happy), but it was to keep away conflict, hurt and others being upset. It wasn’t always the right thing to do. For this I have messed up my own boundaries and self-love and made them non-existent. Until recently. Now I am trying to correct this and it is really hard! Both for myself and for them. For myself, because I have steered clear of the conflict, hurt and being upset and now I have to make myself deal with this. For others, they are used to me being my accepting, do everything to make others happy self, and it causes what I have always avoided.
I wish there was just some switch in myself to flip on to make me automatically do it all now instead of learning to do it all, like new…I know what I need to do, it is just doing it, taking the action in what I have learned is the right thing for me to do. I want to yell at myself to “Just Do It Already!”
*If you have taken the time to read this, thank you. I know I have a few of these posts here and it can be depressing to read. Or a “here she goes again” kind of thing. (Sorry about that) But, that is one of the reasons I started this blog, was to be able to share some of the things I go through. Hopefully with those that go through the same things as I do. (Which I have found many do) If I wasn’t sharing it here, I would be either writing it down in a book or on my computer. And I seem to get a bit more out of sharing here. So, thank you for your time and understanding.*
*Beautiful piece of art found on Pinterest